Pass or Fail
I realized something about myself today. I test people.
I have such bad issues when it comes to trusting people because of things in my past, that I test people to see if they really care.
I push them away slightly to see their reaction. Do they turn and flee, or do they stand by my side.
It doesn’t matter how many times they’ve passed my tests, I continue to test them. And it’s not because I worry that they aren’t trustworthy. It’s because I feel insecure in my abilities to be a good friend.
It’s funny how stuff like this just comes to you. It makes me wonder how long have I been doing this?
But more importantly, how do I stop?
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I kind of do this intuitively. I’ve realized that as soon as I begin to get really close to a person, I start to push away. I don’t know if this is because I don’t want to feel dependant on someone, or if I just like my personal space. I know I don’t mean to, I mean, I always like having really close friends, but maybe I’m also afraid of attachment. I don’t know, but it’s a little weird for me to be like this for a girl who is so open.
ninjajane
May 28, 2010